Taking On The Future


Lately, I have slowly come out of a depressive mood. It was brought on by the sudden need for kidney dialysis, causing the cancellation of a much anticipated trip to Italy. Something I had dreamed of doing for many years, but mostly something I wanted to do with the love of my life after finally overcoming the distance between us brought on by the loss of our son, the natural slipping between two people who take each other for granted, and the process of an aging relationship. I was looking forward to the special time alone in the city we both love.

We were within days of getting on the airplane when I came down with an illness that threw my body into chronic kidney failure. I was furious with myself for allowing myself to get into such a state, and I was miserable with guilt for ruining our trip. I cried, ranted, and fell into despair. I felt like I had failed both of us. I knew he didn’t blame me and all he cared about was that I got better. He wasn’t angry, and he loved me no matter what. But those of you who suffer from depression understand that logic has nothing to do with the feelings that lead to depression. I was a failure, once again. Damn it all.

Over the past two months, my new normal has taken most of my time. Quite frankly, I hate being tied to a damned machine four hours a day for three days a week. It creeps me out to think that it must remove all my blood, clean it, and put it back just to keep me alive and mostly well. So, the depression had a strong element of anger mixed in. The anger was mostly directed at myself, no logic involved there, of course. This was not what I had planned for this stage in our lives.

Being tied to a machine makes me feel less that attractive, and having this thing in my chest is down right disgusting to me. Absolutely kills any thoughts of sexy or desirability. It has a huge ick factor going for it as far as I am concerned. The Mr. keeps telling me he doesn’t care, as long as I am getting benefit from the treatment, I can have all the bits I need attached and he will still want to chase me down the hall to the bedroom. What did I do to deserve such a man?

Now, here I am two months down the road and I am slowly, finally, crawling out of the depression hole I dug for myself. The good news is I have lost another nineteen pounds, my A1C is one point above normal, my stats are all good, and I am improving daily. I am less exhausted each day after treatment, and there is hope, albeit slim, that I can come off the machine at some point.

Sometime in the future perhaps we can plan our romantic holiday again. I hope so. But until then, I just need to get over myself and learn to accept what is in my life. And let the Mr. chase me down the hall no matter how I feel about how I look. After all, he loves me like I am, I guess I should learn to love myself too. Time to give myself a swift kick in the attitude and take on the future once again.

Planning The Future


Addie wandered into my office holding her favorite baby doll. She needed help with the tiny buttons on the dress it was wearing. As I helped her we fell into conversation, as we always do.

Addie said, “Nana, when I grow up I want to have two girl babies.”

I said, “What about having a boy baby? It could happen you know.”

A: “Nope, I don’t want a boy baby, they are messy and loud. Besides, I don’t like boys.” (She is six.)

Me: “Well I had two boy babies, and I loved them very much. You might feel the same way.”

A: “No I won’t. I only want girl babies.”

M: “Keep in mind that you need a husband to have any babies. To do that, you will need to love him too. Just like I love your Papa.”

A: “Oh, yeah. I know that.” Long pause. “Well maybe just one boy baby, because my husband will probably want one since we will have two girls. But the Dad can take care of the boy, since I have no idea how to do that after they are little babies.”

M: “That would be a good compromise. But I bet you will love your boy baby as much as you will love your girls. Any baby is hard work, but it is worth every minute of your time and effort.”

A: “Oh I know that, Nana. You worked hard to raise my Grandpa Arron and Uncle Riley. and my Mommy, and now you work hard to raise me. I want to be just like you when I am a mommy.”

Me: Blinking back tears. “Oh Addie, I love you very much. I simply want you to be who you are and do what you want with your life.”

A: “I know, Nana. You will always love me all my life. So will Papa.”

With that, she wandered off to change her baby doll’s diaper. I heard her singing a song to rock it to sleep. In so many ways, I see her copy behavior she has seen from me and her Papa. It warms my heart and fills me with hope for the future, and she will eventually soften her attitude on boys. At six, all little girls find boys hard to understand. They are loud, dirty, and messy, but that is all part of being a boy learning to be a man. Just as she is a girl learning how to be a woman. Today she wants to be a mommy, tomorrow, she may want to be a unicorn or a fairy. Either way, we encourage her to discover her imagination, grow as she wants to grow, and love her no matter what. She is our angel baby, and one day, she will be a mommy who knows how to care for and love her children. She makes us proud every day.

Annoyed


I know each facility for dialysis will be different in the set up, room size, and people. I get that. But today I was annoyed beyond reason when the nurse spent the majority of her time with her face in her phone texting away. Bells would go off, patients were getting antsy and uncomfortable, but she would do the minimum and go right back to her phone. My machine, I called him Clyde, was done and practically screaming the fact for a full five minutes before she put her damned phone down and came to get me unhooked. No apology, nothing, I guess I was disrupting her busy social life on line. When I sarcastically apologized for bothering her, it went right over her head, and she replied “Oh, that’s Okay..” ARRGHH!!! SO vexing.
Clyde did a good job though, and other than being tired, I feel okay. No lasting aches and pains, and the headache went away as soon as I had something drink and a Tylenol. But that nurse’s lack of attention to her job really rankles. I think all personal phones should be banned when they are on the job. Just saying.