Facing Mortality

I purposely do not read about the things that are physically wrong with me. Why make myself depressed or afraid, it is hard enough just living with everything. But I made an exception today and all it did was make me sick with worry. I had to look my own mortality in the eye and accept the fact that any one of the things that are wrong with me could kill me, and one of them will eventually get the job dine.

It isn’t easy learning to live with illness, every day is a battle in one way or another. Staying positive isn’t easy and every now and then I have to have a meltdown just to let go of the stress and frustration. I don’t like to admit I am ever weak, I want to be strong, and put on a front of strength even if I am falling apart inside. I don’t want to ask for help or need help, but when I am too weak to get up from my recliner without help, it is just one more reminder that I am no longer the woman I was, I am facing my own mortality.

I use humor to work my way through pain, because making others laugh takes their minds off of how ill I look or feel. Distraction keeps me from getting maudlin and falling into depression. I don’t want pity from others, and I sure don’t want to be one of those self pitying old ladies who sit around waiting to die. My body may be decrepit, but my brain and heart work just fine. I count my blessings daily, give my love to my family, and especially to the love of my life.

I hide my tears and fear to keep my family from worrying too much about me. I laugh with them, try to do things they like. And I spend every minute I can with the Mr. Even if all we do is sit and watch television or just talk about the adventures we have shared over the year and our children, grandchildren, or great grandchildren.

Since I am pretty much stuck in my recliner, I do a lot of thinking. There is so much I want to share with family and friends. I want to make sure I tell each person, whether I have met them in person or not, that I love them. And not just a tossed off, I love you, but a heartfelt, deeply caring, “I love you” and tell them why. I don’t want to die without everyone knowing how they impacted my life and enriched me as a human being.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not going to die anytime soon. I have years ahead of me, to bother my grandchildren and argue politics. I have four books to write and at least two more children’s books perking around in my brain. I am healing, slowly, but working toward the best health I can have at my age and with my issues. I just felt I had to write this.

I advise all of you, young and old, even those of you in your middle years, to think about what it is you want to accomplish before time catches up with you. Spend as much time as possible with your loved ones doing things everyone likes. Remember to say I love you before you part, hang up the phone, and go to sleep at night. Write your life story or journal for your progeny, they might get a kick out of what their many times grandmother did in her life.

But, my dear friends and family, always remember to say, “I love you” every chance you get. Don’t leave any regrets behind, because you were too proud to say I am sorry, or make amends for something that doesn’t matter a damn in the eternity we face ahead of us. Love, share, give, and laugh out loud because we are all facing our mortality and it gets closer every day. My love to all of you.

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